...why not?

In a town, with so many faces, and so many of those faces driving after the same passion and dreams you have, one would think finding friends, real close friends would be easy. 

You read about it all the time, a celebrity break down, the attempted suicide, the accidental drug overdose.  We have all read the tabloids, watched the news cast, TMZ, and had the bewildered, judgmental face. “What?! Why?! They had everything!?”  

Well as we age, and get older, slightly wiser we, or I have come to realize “having everything” or even in my opinion just having a little something doesn’t mean a thing if you don't have anyone to share it with, to talk about it with, experience it with.  A best friend, or maybe that one love, a confidant if you will.  For me it is that person who fills me with “why not?”  There are so many “why’s?” in this world.  Why do that?  Why would someone want to see that, that’s been done, etc.  I crave people with “why not,” to put it in the simplest of terms, its my favorite.  Now in this town creativity is constantly buzzing around.  I mean you are surrounded by it, yes endless sketches and funny videos are posted constantly poking fun at this, they guy in the coffee shop pounding away on the keyboard writing his blog. (um…no comment)  

People Brainstorming ideas, taking and idea and following it down the road a ways.  Actors rushing from audition to audition, changing in their cars while rehearsing lines out-loud.  Writing, exploring, dreaming, singing.  Its here this city is about creativity, and yet, with all that it can be so hard to actually connect with one single person on a deeper level.

It truly can be a crowded lonely city.

Sure you can get caught up in all the hoopla of Los Angeles.  The clubs, the bars, the “scene.”  And for some people that might just be the answer, but for me I found that was no solution.  At one point, I spent quite a bit of time at the bars and clubs on the Sunset Strip.  Can I tell you how many friends I have from that era of my life, and im not talking about facebook friends, I mean friends, you actually see, spend time with, all those “why notters” I crave.  Zero, notta, zilch.  All those forgotten drunken nights, money spent, lost memories, and blurred visions got me absolutely nowhere and nothing.  So I avoid that now, or maybe im just old I don’t know?

Now this isn’t meant to be some “whoa is me blog,”  Im trying to relay a point, a glimmer, a thought into my personal life. 

Yes, like so many of us, I have many parts of my life I wish I could relive.  Play out differently, different choices, but if I really have to think about it,,, would I?  I mean all those moments and times I spent doing whatever, have shaped me who I am today, right?  So if I was to change that would I be me?  I recently well, recently as in a little over a year ago decided I was not going to drink any more, not for any other reason then I love life and I want to remember it all, I want to feel!  Good, bad, I desire to feel it all and let it shape me.

I recently found myself in a position of feeling utterly alone.  Again how is that possible CJ?  I have friends, I have facebook, twitter, I have my gym?  (I do love my gym)  But as life likes to throw you curve balls, my "why not", my creative partner, confidant, my best friend but more then that, a piece of my family, can no longer be that person.  Life moves forward, and unfortunately the new equation in this persons life does not have the room for me.  Are we friends yes, will we talk of course, do we have creative projects in the works that will move forward?  Yes.  So what is the big deal CJ you ask?  It sounds fine, well I don’t really know how to pin point it, but that person I had, to talk to, to run constant ideas off of, that person that just lights up your day just because, well can no longer be that.   Does that make sense, have you felt this, has this happen to you?  I know I am not the only one, right?  Ok ok, cry me a river CJ, I know.  But when you find that friend that just gets you, really “gets” you, well that’s something special.  When you have it for years, in your head it will never end, then one day it does.  Well I will let that will take me back to my original statement. 

In a town, with so many faces, and so many of those faces driving after the same passion and dreams you have, one would think finding friends, real close friends would be easy. 

When faced with this statement, when you feel like no one gets you or understands, it makes all the more sense to me when I read tabloids, celebrity drug scandal, alcoholism, attempted suicide, overdose etc.  We all remember Britney shaving her head right?   I’m not at all saying I know on her level what she went through, but for gods sake she had been working none stop since what, 13 years old?  But regardless I kind of feel like I understand, maybe just a little.  Feeling alone, unable to connect with someone who actually understands, etc.  Now as stated earlier, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I am not a godly or religious person.  What I have are, “treats” red velvet cake, Ben & Jerrys American Dream Ice Cream.  

Of course these are not good either.  Especially as an actor who tries to stay fit and trim.  But really all I think we ever really want, or I want is a person, or two that you really connect with.  That person when your on vacation and see a, fill in the blank, your first thought is, “Wow, I know who would love to see this!” 

I think we need that, we crave that, at least I do, we want to be heard and share.  So really no matter who you are, what you have, how much money you have, my thought is, it doesn’t matter, who you share it with is what matters, well at least for me. 

Why am I writing this blog, how am I any different then anyone in any city around the world who feels the same way and just wants to connect with someone?  Well I’m not.  I know making friends and keeping them is a two-way street.  Do I really try hard enough to connect with other people, do I try hard enough to stay connected with the few friends I have?  Probably not, but I felt that being this is a blog about my life, my thoughts on acting and my adventures in the city of angels that comes from acting this blog was relevant enough to share.

As for my recent dilemma, I really don’t have an answer.  I miss this person in my life dearly. I miss something as simple a random text message saying "have a great day, good luck!"  I leave myself to feel it, to grow from it, to use it while performing, to be my own "why not," but none of that makes it any easier.  Yes I have a few friends here, but most friends end up more of acquaintances in this town.  Not for anyone’s fault, really people are busy, it’s a creative town, everyone is trying to do their thing, to make it.